Episode 323: ‘War Dogs,’ ‘Kubo and the Two Strings,’ ‘Ben-Hur,’ Summer Box Office Challenge final results

0:00 – Welcome to the show; an iTunes review en español
2:30 – “War Dogs” review
14:00 – “Kubo and the Two Strings” review
20:20 – “Ben-Hur” review
30:20 – An interesting “Ben-Hur” fact

31:50 – QOTW (pre-1960 movies that should be remade, and how they would be different)
43:25 – The official conclusion of the 2016 Summer Box Office Challenge; a recitation of what Bayer’s punishments will be; there is much negotiation concerning the haircut
50:50 – Recap and good day

QOTW: In honor of Eric’s birthday (Aug. 26; gifts and tributes welcome), tell us a true story about one of your birthdays and we’ll make it into a movie.

War Dogs: C 5/10
Kubo and the Two Strings: B 8/10
Ben-Hur: C 4/10

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Episode 322: ‘Hell or High Water,’ ‘Florence Foster Jenkins,’ ‘Don’t Think Twice,’ ‘Sausage Party,’ ‘Nine Lives’

0:00 – Hello, brought to you by honest lemonade
1:55 – “Hell or High Water” review
12:15 – “Florence Foster Jenkins” review
21:50 – “Don’t Think Twice” review

31:25 – “Sausage Party” review (Snider only)
38:40 – “Nine Lives” sort of review (Snider only)
43:40 – QOTW (bad movies that could be remade well)
54:00 – Recap, additional commentary, good day

QOTW: What pre-1960 movie should be remade, and how would it be different today?

Hell or High Water: B+ 8/10
Florence Foster Jenkins: B+ 7/10
Don’t Think Twice: B+ 8/10
Sausage Party: B n/a
Nine Lives: C- n/a

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Episode 321: ‘Suicide Squad,’ Character Casserole

0:00 – Hello, “folks”
1:00 – One of this week’s movies was hidden from critics, if you can imagine
4:45 – “Suicide Squad” review
24:55 – QOTW (superhero stories that have yet to be told), including discussion of Jeff’s TV snobbery

33:30 – Some more “Suicide Squad” complaining, reiteration of call for new theme songs
39:00 – A round of Character Casserole
46:50 – Recap and goodbye

QOTW: What’s a bad movie that could be good if it were remade properly?

Suicide Squad: D 4/10

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Episode 320: ‘Jason Bourne,’ ‘Bad Moms,’ ‘Nerve,’ ‘Star Trek Beyond’

0:00 – A quick hello and an iTunes review
3:00 – “Jason Bourne” review
14:35 – “Bad Moms” review
24:25 – “Nerve” review

33:15 – “Star Trek Beyond” review
37:45 – QOTW (other “bad” versions of good occupations)
48:00 – A report on birthdays, specifically the one Jeff just had
52:35 – A brief Summer Box Office Challenge update, recap, goodbye

QOTW: What superhero story has yet to be told?

Jason Bourne: C 9/10
Bad Moms: B- 6/10
Nerve: C+ 5/10
Star Trek Beyond: B- 8/10

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Episode 319: ‘Lights Out,’ ‘Ice Age: Collision Course,’ ‘Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie,’ our 1,000th review

0:00 – Hello; a call for new, shorter theme songs
5:05 – They only screened “Star Trek Beyond” in New York and L.A., and we don’t live either of those places
6:40 – “Ice Age: Collision Course” review (Snider only)
12:20 – “Lights Out” review
19:35 – We celebrate our 1,000th review with a new searchable database! (Mark from Winnipeg helped a lot, so please check out TheLifeYouCanSave.org on his behalf)
24:10 – “Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie” review (Snider only)
28:10 – Maybe we’ll talk about “Star Trek Beyond” next week
29:00 – QOTW (Mt. Rushmore of sci-fi movies)
42:40 – Brief, tactful Summer Box Office Challenge update, recap, goodbye

QOTW: In the tradition of “Bad Moms,” “Bad Santa,” “Bad Teacher,” etc., what other occupation or calling usually presumed to be good could use a “bad” version? Casting and plot suggestions welcome.

Lights Out: C 4/10
Ice Age: Collision Course: C- n/a
Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie: C n/a

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Episode 318: ‘Ghostbusters,’ ‘The Infiltrator,’ ‘Captain Fantastic,’ ‘Hunt for the Wilderpeople’

0:00 – Hello, it was Jeff’s 40th birthday on Thursday
2:35 – “Ghostbusters” review
20:50 – “The Infiltrator” review
27:55 – “Captain Fantastic” review
38:10 – “Hunt for the Wilderpeople” review
43:35 – QOTW (best fictional cities to live in, with much discussion of the benefits of Metropolis and Emerald City)
1:00:10 – Summer Box Office Massacre update, an update on an Indiana Jones story, recap, goodbye

QOTW: We’re voting on the Mt. Rushmore of sci-fi! Tell us your four (4) favorite sci-fi movies (in any order).

Ghostbusters: B- 7/10
The Infiltrator: B 8/10
Captain Fantastic: B 8/10
Hunt for the Wilderpeople: B+ 7/10

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Episode 317: ‘Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates,’ ‘The Secret Life of Pets,’ ‘Swiss Army Man,’ Interquel

0:00 – Intro, iTunes review
4:45 – “Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates” review
13:05 – “The Secret Life of Pets” review
22:00 – “Swiss Army Man” review
29:10 – QOTW (wedding stories)
40:00 – We’ve added a perk for Patreon patrons
41:20 – A round of Interquel, which we erroneously call Character Casserole the whole time because we’re idiots
47:50 – A brief, tactful Summer Box Office Challenge update
48:50 – Recap and goodbye

QOTW: What fictional town from a movie would you like to live in?

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates: B- 7/10
The Secret Life of Pets: C- 5/10
Swiss Army Man: B+ 8/10 (B.S.-approved!)

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Episode 316: ‘The BFG,’ ‘The Legend of Tarzan,’ ‘The Purge: Election Year,’ ‘Independence Day: Resurgence,’ ‘The Neon Demon’

0:00 – Intro; iTunes review; Dogcat smokes crack
3:05 – “The BFG” review
11:15 – “The Legend of Tarzan” review
20:00 – “The Purge: Election Year” review (Snider only)
27:25 – “Independence Day: Resurgence” review
38:00 – “The Neon Demon” review (Snider only)
42:30 – QOTW (favorite Spielberg moments)
51:50 – Next week’s QOTW, and some wedding talk
53:30 – Summer Box Office Challenge update
57:00 – Our new Patreon campaign
58:40 – Recap and goodbye

QOTW: What’s a story from a wedding you attended that would make a good movie?

The BFG: C+ 5/10
The Legend of Tarzan: C 7/10
The Purge: Election Year: C+ n/a
Independence Day: Resurgence: C 3/10
The Neon Demon: B n/a

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Episode 315: ‘The Shallows,’ ‘Free State of Jones,’ ‘De Palma’

0:00 – Hello, Jeff’s in a mood, iTunes review
2:20 – “Independence Day: Resurgence” wasn’t screened for critics in the U.S.
4:50 – “Free State of Jones” review
14:15 – “The Shallows” review (Snider only), ending with shark anecdotes
19:20 – “De Palma” review (Snider only)
22:20 – QOTW (movies from 1996 that should get sequels)
33:25 – Summer Box Office Challenge update
39:50 – What Bayer wants for his 40th birthday — and how you can help
45:25 – Recap and goodbye

QOTW: What is your favorite Spielberg moment?

Free State of Jones: C 5/10
The Shallows: B n/a
De Palma: B+ n/a

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Episode 314: ‘Finding Dory,’ ‘Central Intelligence,’ ‘Tickled,’ ‘Genius’

0:00 – Hello, an iTunes review, a bit of show history
4:20 – “Finding Dory” review
13:50 – “Central Intelligence” review
22:25 – “Tickled” review
31:30 – “Genius” review
39:35 – QOTW (best movie deaths)
49:20 – Summer Box Office Challenge update
50:20 – Recap and goodbye

QOTW: In honor of “Independence Day: Resurgence,” what other movie from 1996 should get a sequel? (Here’s a handy list of 1996 films.)

Finding Dory: B 8/10
Central Intelligence: B 7/10
Tickled: A- 8/10 (B.S.-approved!)
Genius: C+ 6/10

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Episode 313: ‘The Conjuring 2,’ ‘Now You See Me 2,’ ‘Warcraft’

0:00 – Hello, iTunes review, a poor memory of history
3:30 – “The Conjuring 2” review
17:15 – “Now You See Me 2” review
27:20 – “Warcraft” review
42:05 – QOTW (your top movie character crushes)
55:20 – Jeff hijacks the show to mention that he’s turning 40 next month
56:00 – Summer Box Office Challenge update
1:00:00 – Recap, farewell
1:01:20 – BONUS: “The Lady Is a Trump,” by Eric

QOTW: What is the best movie death?

The Conjuring 2: B 6/10
Now You See Me 2: C- 4/10
Warcraft: D 5/10

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Episode 312: ‘Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping,’ ‘Approaching the Unknown’

0:00 – Introduction, all the movies screened at once so we could only see one of them
4:15 – “Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping” review
14:50 – “Approaching the Unknown” review
19:00 – QOTW (Mt. Rushmore of sports movies)
31:25 – You Guys Ask Us Stuff (behind-the-scenes show magic)
35:30 – Summer Box Office Challenge update
39:20 – Recap and goodbye

QOTW: Who is your #1 movie character crush?

Popstar: B- 6/10
Approaching the Unknown B- 5/10

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Episode 311: ‘X-Men: Apocalypse,’ ‘Alice Through the Looking Glass,’ ‘Pele,’ Character Casserole

0:00 – Introduction, bad radio voices
2:05 – We saw “X-Men: Apocalypse” really early, which didn’t help us at all
3:25 – “X-Men: Apocalypse” review, ending with a disagreement over whether or not we disagree on the movie
12:35 – “Alice Through the Looking Glass” review
20:15 – “Pelé” review (Snider only)
23:20 – QOTW (movie products you’d like to own)
34:40 – Summer Box Office Challenge update
37:15 – A round of Character Casserole (Joker, Anakin Skywalker, Mad Hatter)
46:30 – Recap, more debate about “pretty good” vs. “not very good,” the end

QOTW: We’re compiling the Mt. Rushmore of sports movies. Tell us your four (4) favorite sports movies (order doesn’t matter).

X-Men: Apocalypse: C+ 6/10
Alice Through the Looking Glass: D 3/10
Pele: C n/a

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Episode 310: ‘The Nice Guys,’ ‘Neighbors 2,’ ‘The Angry Birds Movie,’ ‘A Bigger Splash’

0:00 – Hello; Snider’s apathy toward sparkling water, which Bayer loves
3:25 – iTunes review
4:50 – “The Nice Guys” review
15:40 – “Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising” review
23:40 – “The Angry Birds Movie” review (Snider only)
31:30 – “A Bigger Splash” review (Snider only)
34:10 – QOTW (pitches for movies based on apps)
42:30 – Hey, What’d You Watch? (“Sweet Smell of Success,” “Mary Poppins,” “The Wicker Man”)
51:00 – Recap, a few more words about the movies, the end

QOTW: What fictitious product from a movie would you like to own?

The Nice Guys: B+ 8/10 (B.S.-approved!)
Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising: B+ 8/10 (B.S.-approved!)
The Angry Birds Movie: D- n/a
A Bigger Splash: B n/a

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Episode 309: ‘Money Monster,’ ‘Being Charlie,’ ‘The Meddler’

0:00 – Hello; iTunes review
2:50 – Our sponsor this week: the Practically Culture podcast, about movies, TV, video games, etc.
5:15 – “Money Monster,” but first, what if movies with “Money” in the title were “Monkey” instead??
6:30 – “Money Monster” review for real this time
17:05 – There’s also a movie called “The Darkness,” but they wouldn’t show it to anyone; check out Eric’s site for a review
17:40 – “Being Charlie” review
25:50 – “The Meddler” review (Snider only)
31:15 – Summer Box Office Challenge: some interesting stats about past contests, plus the announcement of this year’s stakes
38:15 – QOTW (things that happened to you that would make good movies, including stories from our own lives)
59:00 – Recap of this week’s show

QOTW: In honor of “Angry Birds,” make up a good idea for a movie based on an app.

Money Monster: C 4/10
Being Charlie: C 5/10
The Meddler: B+ n/a

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Episode 308: ‘Captain America: Civil War,’ ‘The Man Who Knew Infinity,’ Pitch Me

0:00 – Hello!
2:35 – “Captain America: Civil War” review
19:00 – “The Man Who Knew Infinity” review
25:00 – QOTW (worst movie experiences with moms)
40:50 – A round of Pitch Me
48:20 – The Summer Box Office Challenge officially begins this weekend; we’ll have the terms of the bet arranged by next week
49:30 – Recap and goodbye

QOTW: Pitch us a movie based on a (TRUE) event in your life.

Captain America: Civil War: B 7/10
The Man Who Knew Infinity: C+ 5/10

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Our picks for the 2016 Summer Box Office Challenge

As drafted on this week’s show, here are our picks for this year’s contest. Remember, we’ll only be counting opening weekend (Fri-Sun) box office. Who do you think will win?

Captain America: Civil War (5/4)
Ghostbusters (7/15)
Finding Dory (6/17)
Angry Birds (5/20)
Star Trek Beyond (7/22)
The BFG (7/1)
The Secret Life of Pets (7/8)
Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising (5/20)
Warcraft (6/10)
Me Before You (6/3)
Independence Day: Resurgence (6/24)
Suicide Squad (8/5)
X-Men: Apocalypse (5/27)
Jason Bourne (7/29)
TMNT: Out of the Shadows (6/3)
The Conjuring 2 (6/10)
Ice Age: Collision Course (7/22)
Central Intelligence (6/17)
Alice Through the Looking Glass (5/27)
Pete’s Dragon (8/12)

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Episode 307: ‘Keanu,’ ‘Sing Street,’ ‘Mother’s Day,’ 2016 Summer Box Office Challenge draft

0:00 – It’s draft day, and Bayer is already making excuses
3:30 – “Keanu” review
10:40 – “Sing Street” review (from SXSW)
14:20 – “Mother’s Day” review (Snider only)
29:55 – QOTW (best use of diegetic music in movies)
42:00 – The Summer Box Office Challenge draft, beginning with a brief explanation of what that is
51:10 – Recap and goodbye

QOTW: What’s the worst movie experience you’ve ever had with your mother?

Keanu: B- 5/10
Sing Street: A- 9/10 (B.S.-approved!)
Mother’s Day: F n/a

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Episode 306: ‘Green Room,’ ‘Elvis & Nixon,’ ‘The Huntsman: Winter’s War,’ ‘Miles Ahead,’ Interview with Jeremy Saulnier and Anton Yelchin

0:00 – It’s a special show because we have an interview
2:00 – “Green Room” review
14:45 – Interview with “Green Room” writer-director Jeremy Saulnier and star Anton Yelchin
33:35 – “The Huntsman: Winter’s War” review, ending in a discussion of the ethics of using regular-sized actors to play dwarfs
48:15 – “Elvis & Nixon” review, including a factual detail that Snider couldn’t accept and a reminder that the MPAA rating system is useless
59:00 – “Miles Ahead” review
1:02:25 – QOTW (food you’ve smuggled into the movies)
1:17:15 – We’re doing the draft for the Summer Box Office Challenge next week, so let us know if you have any (feasible, realistic) suggestions for what the stakes of the bet should be
1:19:20 – Recap and goodbye

QOTW: What’s the best use of diegetic* music in a movie? (Diegetic music: music that is actually heard by the characters in the movie, and not just on the soundtrack. A good example: “Stuck in the Middle with You” playing on the radio during the ear-slicing scene in “Reservoir Dogs.”)

Green Room: A- 10/10 (B.S.-approved!)
The Huntsman: Winter’s War: D 3/10
Elvis & Nixon: B+ 8/10 (B.S.-approved!)
Miles Ahead: n/a 7/10

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Snider’s ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2’ diary

As part of my punishment for losing last year’s Summer Box Office Challenge, I, Eric D. Snider, had to watch “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2” three nights in a row and keep a running diary. Here is that diary.


1:40 – The wife that Paul Blart got at the end of the first movie left him after six days of marriage, which is longer than you’d think.

2:50 – A kid at the mall slaps Paul Blart in the face.

3:05 – Paul Blart’s mom gets run over by a truck. Man, EVERYBODY from the first movie is getting out of this one as fast as they can.

4:15 – Paul Blart gets invited to some security guard conference in Las Vegas, which is totally a thing, I’m sure. His daughter Maya gets accepted to UCLA but declines to tell him for reasons I don’t understand.

6:15 – Paul Blart is punched playfully but painfully in the throat by a colleague.

9:35 – Paul Blart has a vibrating fork to make him eat slower.

11:00 – Paul Blart thinks the hotel manager, Divina, is flirting with him because she’s offering him the hotel services he paid for.

14:20 – It’s a Sony movie, so the bad guys wear Sony watches, which look like Apple watches with “SONY” written on them.

15:00 – Paul Blart dumbly bets at the craps table according to whatever the dealer tells him. Because he’s an idiot.

15:45 – Maya is embarrassed to have Paul Blart spying on her when she’s talking to a cute boy, and Paul Blart’s feelings are hurt by this. Because he’s a child.

17:00 – Due to an offhand remark, Paul Blart thinks he’s giving the keynote speech at tonight’s conference, even though nobody asked him to and they don’t have people give keynote speeches by just calling them out of the crowd. What does he think a “keynote speech” is?

18:55 – Paul Blart is hit by a car while showing off on the Segway.

26:00 – Maya tells cute valet Lane that her dad doesn’t support her, which is nonsense. Why are you trying to make conflict where none exists, movie?

26:30 – When Paul Blart gets back to the hotel room and Maya isn’t there, he assumes she’s been abducted and calls hotel security, because he’s a panicky idiot.

31:00 – Another mall cop and his wife tell Paul Blart how sad he’ll be when Maya goes to college.

32:15 – They’re trying to make me feel sad for Paul Blart, and this makes me angry.

32:45 – White-haired suit-wearing criminal and his crew are planning to steal a Van Gogh from the casino/hotel. They have a guy “on the inside.”

33:50 – Paul Blart mansplains to a woman why it’s OK for Officer Panero to keep hitting on her even though she said no.

34:55 – Officer Panero, who’s actually the keynote speaker, is passed out drunk, so Paul Blart will get to give a speech after all, just like he imagined in his crazy fantasy world.

35:40 – The hotel manager has to keep telling Paul Blart that she isn’t hitting on him.

36:05 – Paul Blart is wildly overconfident with this woman. WHY? WHO TOLD HIM HE WAS GOOD AT ANYTHING?

39:20 – Paul Blart is beaten up by a peacock.

41:00 – The emcee says everyone was expecting to hear Panero’s speech, which means it was public knowledge who the keynote speaker was.

42:55 – Oh, now Paul Blart gets to be sad because Maya isn’t there to hear the speech that she didn’t know he was giving.

49:15 – Big, dumb, hypoglycemic Paul Blart is revived from a stupor by a few drops from a girl’s melting ice cream cone.

50:40 – Paul Blart punches a very elderly maid in the gut.

53:30 – Maya has been taken by the bad guys, and Paul Blart is on the case like a porky Liam Neeson.

54:30 – A hotel employee named Muhrtelle eats a very brown banana for no reason other than to gross Paul Blart out.

56:50 – Hidden in a bulletproof suitcase, Paul Blart rolls down stairs and crashes through a window into a pool.

58:00 – Paul Blart spots a fake security guard because the buttons on his uniform are a kind that the uniform manufacturer doesn’t use anymore.

1:04:45 – Paul Blart runs into a sliding glass door.

1:06:25 – Maya and Lane are locked in the bad guy’s suite, but she uses some MacGuyver-ish trick her dad taught her to unlock the door.

1:06:50 – Villain mentions casually that he’s DEATHLY ALLERGIC TO OATMEAL.

1:14:00 – I laughed! Paul Blart and the villain are both trying to out-crazy the other, and Paul Blart says, “I will crawl inside you and lay eggs!”

1:16:15 – “Non-lethal. I get it now.” Wait, he thought he was KILLING all those henchmen? Good grief.

1:23:00 – Yep, there’s Chekov’s oatmeal.

1:23:15 – “Always bet on Blart.” That’s what Paul Blart says as his tagline after he defeats the villain. Because it’s Las Vegas, see, where there’s gambling. And because it sounds like “always bet on black,” which is what Wesley Snipes said in that one movie.

1:25:35 – Divina kisses Paul Blart on the cheek but goes back to Eduardo. A kiss on the cheek is all you get, fatty!

1:26:45 – Maya says she’s going to turn down UCLA, stay in New Jersey and go to community college so she can be with Paul Blart!!

1:27:00 – Oh, good, Paul Blart refuses to let her do this. She’s going to UCLA. Whew.

1:28:55 – Paul Blart is kicked by a police horse.



1:30 – Actually, I bet they wrote Jayma Mays and Shirley Knight out of the movie because the characters weren’t necessary, not because the actresses didn’t want to be in it.

1:50 – I mean, I’m sure they didn’t want to be in it, either.

2:45 – The mall mom looks like Felicity Huffman but isn’t.

4:00 – Paul Blart says he thinks they’re finally “honoring him” at this convention, but they aren’t. He’s just invited, along with hundreds of other security guards.

5:45 – “Surprise keynote speaker.” IF IT WERE YOU, YOU WOULD KNOW IT WAS YOU!

9:00 – Did they ever explain why caucasian Paul Blart’s daughter Maya is Latina?

9:35 – Why would a vibrating fork make you eat slower?

13:00 – “Security is a mission. Not an intermission.” I don’t think that means anything.

16:40 – Fellow mall cop Sol Gundermutt has a black brace on his left forearm that they never explain.

20:20 – See, I think what it is, is they don’t know what a “keynote speech” is. They think it’s an award or something.

25:45 – Seriously, just because Maya’s not in the room, Paul Blart assumes she was abducted. How does someone this stupid get around?

27:20 – Why does Maya call Paul Blart on the hotel room phone instead of his cell?

28:40 – If Maya wanted to keep her UCLA acceptance a secret from Paul Blart, why did she bring the acceptance letter with her to Las Vegas?

36:45 – They’ve got exact replicas of all the artwork they’re stealing. That takes foresight.

42:30 – I might have spent the last several minutes reading Twitter.

42:45 – I returned just in time for Paul Blart to be sad that Maya isn’t at the banquet that she had no reason to be at.

43:45 – The mall cops at this convention all believe that being a mall cop is a calling. This is sad, right?

47:35 – Paul Blart falls asleep mid-threat, due to hypoglycemia.

48:25 – Lane the valet comes looking for Maya. All this gun-pointing and skulduggery is happening in a huge suite that’s connected to several other rooms, including one where Lane is throwing a party. The luxury suites at the Wynn casino are expansive.

54:20 – Why the rotten banana? It’s funny because it’s gross, but why is it there?

59:30 – The obligatory part in any dumb comedy where the clumsy hero stumbles into a live stage performance.

1:00:10 – This is Cirque du Soleil, or whatever the Wynn Resort equivalent is.

1:02:30 – Paul Blart plugs his vibrating fork into a random electrical wire he finds, then uses a stage-prop bow to shoot it like an arrow into Ramos’ chest.

1:09:45 – Paul Blart does a somersault off a Segway where it’s clearly him, not a stunt man. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Kevin James is agile for a big guy.

1:12:20 – I bet it’s fun to play the villain in movies like this. You get to be snarky to the idiots around you.

1:13:30 – The argument over who’s crazier is still funny.

1:15:45 – “Why are you wearing a cape?” “I came straight from a haircut.” I missed this last night. That’s funny.

1:23:00 – Oatmeal facial scrub saves the day.



2:30 – He says, “Like the song says, I’ve been to paradise, but I’ve never been to me.” He doesn’t sing it or anything, he just quotes the line, but it’s still listed in the music credits at the end. Did they have to pay for that?! That’s jacked up.

6:40 – Paul Blart insists on being called “Officer.”

9:50 – Oh, OK. The vibrating fork starts vibrating every few seconds, and when it does, you have to stop eating until it stops. Fair enough.

10:30 – The scene where Paul Blart thinks Divina was flirting with him is excruciating, more so the third time.

19:40 – Paul Blart says dismissively, “Cops think they’re all that.” Does he ever have a run-in with a cop? Does this pay off? (Spoiler: no.)

22:00 – How could you work on this movie as editor or sound mixer or any other job that would entail watching parts of it over and over again? Wouldn’t you go mad?

28:10 – “They don’t have time to help you play out your fantasies of being a real cop,” says Divina’s boyfriend, who Paul Blart perceives as his rival. The guy is totally right, but I don’t think the movie is making fun of Paul Blart.

31:30 – I don’t like that Ana Gasteyer is in this.

36:20 – So Divina actually is in love with him, she just doesn’t realize it. But he does. Because he’s so perceptive.

44:20 – “If being a security officer was easy, anyone could do it,” Paul Blart says. “Anyone CAN do it,” mutters Divina’s boyfriend. Once again, it’s funny because it’s true, but the movie doesn’t realize it.

44:45 – Supposedly there are security guards of all kinds here, but everything Paul Blart says is about mall cops specifically.

46:50 – If Maya hadn’t clumsily dropped the pepper spray, this would be over immediately.

1:06:20 – Copper wiring from light-up snowglobe, plus extra cell phone battery shorts out the electronic lock on the door. Good to know.

1:07:20 – Paul Blart just yells his room number and “Charge it, please,” as he shoplifts a drone from a store.

1:28:00 – You know, this isn’t too bad, and it’s not really violating the terms of the bet, if you just stare slightly above the TV and play circus music in your head instead of paying attention to the movie.

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